Are You God? No way, but it's funny you think so.

In a world where religious suicide bombers are smoking the Kronic and Buddhist terrorists are put down by the Department of Om Land Security, it's always good to get a few laughs--even if it isn't Good Fry Day.

Welcome to Am I God?, an online resource for great jokes, pictures, and quotes. The content presented on this site is not intended to insult or alienate any religion, group, or indvidual but rather to allow us to laugh at ourselves and with others. You never know when a joke can make or break someone's day.

So Relax, Enjoy, and get a few Laughs from Am I God.com! We hope you like what you find, and find what you're looking for! Humor that will get you laughing! Thanks for visiting!

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Random Religious One-Liner

Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little, just to be funny.

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The Better Pope

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their Senior year in High School. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see who they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant, and secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope.

Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?'

After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola.

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Church Bulletins

Here are some Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins.

  • Don't let worry kill you -- Let the church help.
  • Thursday night -- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and the community.
  • For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
  • This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
  • Tuesday at 4:-00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
  • Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
  • Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
  • This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
  • The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water," One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.
  • Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
  • The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" -- come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Farting and Fiddling Nun

A nun is waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128 lbs and you are going to Chicago."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells the same thing to everyone, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, and you're going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again." Back to the machine. In goes her nickel, out comes the card which said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago and you're going to break wind." Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it one more time." She goes back to the machine, puts in a nickel and collected the card. This time the card says, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."

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Arthritis

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

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Colonel Sanders and the Pope

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do?"

The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words."

So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.

"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

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