Are You God? No way, but it's funny you think so.

In a world where religious suicide bombers are smoking the Kronic and Buddhist terrorists are put down by the Department of Om Land Security, it's always good to get a few laughs--even if it isn't Good Fry Day.

Welcome to Am I God?, an online resource for great jokes, pictures, and quotes. The content presented on this site is not intended to insult or alienate any religion, group, or indvidual but rather to allow us to laugh at ourselves and with others. You never know when a joke can make or break someone's day.

So Relax, Enjoy, and get a few Laughs from Am I God.com! We hope you like what you find, and find what you're looking for! Humor that will get you laughing! Thanks for visiting!

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Random Religious One-Liner

That was Zen. this is Tao.

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Mrs. Watkins

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them.

"No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."

The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up.

"Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide."

So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned. Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.

"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said. "I sent three boats."

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The Sins of Three Nuns

There are three nuns and a Mother Superior. The Mother Superior tells the three nuns that before they can receive their Saint name they had one final test. She told them to go commit one sin so that they would not have urges to be bad.

After the three nuns return, the Mother Superior says, "Did you commit your sins?" They all shake their heads yes. The first two nuns are crying, the third is giggling.

The Mother Superior says to the first one, "What sin did you commit child?"

The first nun answers with tears in her eyes. "I was just rotten, I picked flowers from someone's garden."

The Mother Superior says, "Go drink the Holy Water and it will be alright." The third nun is dancing around in laughter.

The Mother Superior asks the second one. Her whole body is shaking and she is crying. "I stole candy from a baby."

The Mother Superior says, "My child, drink the Holy Water and you are forgiven.

The third nun falls on the floor hysterically laughing. The Mother Superior is disgusted and asks, "What are you laughing at?"

The third nun is barely able to answer through her tears of laughter, "I peed in the Holy Water."

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a Catholic, Baptist, and Methodist

One sunny day a Catholic, Baptist, and Methodist were going fishing. Right after they left, the Catholic realized that he had left his supplies on the shore. He got out of the boat, walked on the water, got his supplies on the shore, and walked back on the water and got back into the boat.

Then, the Baptist realized that they did not have enough bait. he got out of the boat, walked on the water, bought a pack of bait, and walked back on the water and got back into the boat.

Then, the Methodist realized that his watch was not working, and he wanted to buy a new one. He took it off, got out of the boat, but sunk all the way down to the bottom of the ocean.

Then, the Catholic and the Baptist looked at each other and said, "Oops, I guess we should have told him were the rocks are!"

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The Better Pope

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their Senior year in High School. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see who they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant, and secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope.

Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?'

After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola.

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Saint Peter

A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay" the man says, "I attended church every Sunday."

"That's good", says St. Peter, "that's worth two points."

"Two points?" he says. "Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church."

"Well, let's see," answers Peter, "That's worth another 2 points. Did you do anything else?"

"Two points? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's certainly worth a point." he says.

"Hmmm..." the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful" says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"THREE POINTS!!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

"Come on in!"

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